Losing my cosurvivor

Dear Noah,
I don’t know why this is happening to you. I only know how unfair it all is. How unfair that you will only ever know sickness. Many moms with hypermesis call their babies their “co-survivers”. You have been with me through 2 hospitalizations, dehydration, IV fluids, PICC line, anti nausea drugs and over 100 needle sticks. And just when we began to see the light at the end of the tunnel, less throwing up, more food, less fluids. When we began to believe that we might have a few months without needles or tubes. Time to just be us, together, big and round. Time to actually leave the house, this house you’ve been cooped up in with me for 3 months. When we finally saw that light, our world caved in. We will never have that time. We have 2 more days, and that will never be enough. It seems impossible. This was our fight. We were supposed to survive this together. I wish I could have given you more beautiful days. Time outside. More laughter. Wish you had known me happy. We wanted you so much. The one thing my body was supposed to do was take care of you. Grow you. Feed you. I haven’t done any of those things well. I want so much to keep you. Fix you. Give you a chance to grow up and outlive us all. But the only thing I can do is let you go. Hope that your name rings true. Rest. Peace. Our beloved.

Love always.

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