Last night at home.

One month ago today was our last night at home. It was devastating, knowing that I would leave in the morning with you, and come home without you. I just wanted every second to last. I wanted so much to feel you kick. That I could wish this all away. Birth is supposed to be a happy time. People wish for birth to come. Not me. My births have been scary, and sad. All I have ever wanted was to make it to 40+ weeks, and to immediately bring a baby home.

I don’t even remember the details of our last night. We packed our hospital bags and stayed up too late. Then we tried to sleep a few hours before getting up at 5 to go to the hospital. I wanted that night to never end. If time could have stopped. I wanted to keep you safe inside forever. I miss those last days with you, as sad as they were. It’s so unfair that I never felt you kick until we knew you were dying. I wanted so much more time with you. A lifetime.

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