Broken water, broken heart

I once again woke up early this morning. There wasn’t much for me to reflect on happening yesterday, I got my epidural around 3am, and then we slept a lot. I was effaced but not dilated, but not much was happening. Over night, they didn’t even check me. Just kept giving me cytotec and let us sleep.

Between 6 and 7am I kept waking up feeling pressure. But it would stop again, and I wasn’t sure if I dreamed it, so I would drift back to sleep. Just before 7 I realized that the pressure was real, and called the nurse to check me. She didn’t know how dilated I was, because in the way was a my bag of waters, bulging.

After she left, I wanted to feel for myself, and checked. I could feel it too, fairly low. Within a minute, my water broke. With it, so did my emotions. Everything was suddenly real. We were losing Noah, right now. I couldn’t stop crying. I don’t know exactly when he died, because there were no monitors. It may have been the night or even the day before, but it could have been right then. When my water broke, it carried most of his body with it, but I wasn’t yet dilated enough for his head. I don’t know if it was the pressure of the contractions, cord prolapse or pressure, or if it wasn’t until this final moment. We knew he wouldn’t no matter how or when he came out. But both of us had been hoping for at least a few moments with him. But maybe it was better for him to die inside. In the only place he ever knew.

I miss him so much. How has it been a month?


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