The elephant in the room

We are back home visiting family. I just want to scream “Talk about Noah!” I’m sure they don’t want to say the wrong thing, but for FFS, it’s not like we forget!!! I’m so over people pretending that this didn’t happen and he didn’t exist. We bring up my pregnancy and get a quick change of subject or *crickets*. I just want to yell, scream, cry, but I don’t want to be the crazy lady. An amazing friend invited me to an event with her tomorrow, and I told her it was probably not a good idea. No one wants the crazy crying lady who only wants to talk about her dead baby. She said fuck it, and maybe I will but I’m not sure.

I have been bouncing all over the loss world. Pinterest, facebook groups, blogs, wherever you turn, it’s there if you look for it.

I saw a link to a KUKD post about your “Public Grieving Cut-Off Date.” It had levels and lengths of time that people would tolerate your grief. When I read it I was so pissed! Two weeks on social media for stillbirth? Only 6 months for really good friends? What sort of crap is that, I thought. Sadly, it seems to have over estimated. Or I over estimated people’s category. In any case it sucks.

That brings me to the Pinterest side of the loss world and these two images/quotes. It’s why it physically hurts not to talk about him. Why I need others to talk about him. I just don’t know how to get there. And if the silence is this bad after only one month, how bad will it be at a year. 5 years. 18 years. Because I won’t forget. But I worry they will.

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7 thoughts on “The elephant in the room

  1. Wow? 2 weeks and 6 months seems way too short to me too. I want to talk about my Luke for the rest of my life. He is part of our family and I want him included. You just keep talking about your Noah anyways and don’t worry about people’s reactions. You are not the crazy lady, just a grieving lady enduring a heartbreaking loss.

    • Right? I couldn’t believe how short it was. But it’s so hard to endure the quick change of subject or the silence and avoid end of eye contact from people I thought were close. This trip has been incredibly hard in that way.

      I will talk about Noah for the rest of my life. I have also been upset by the number of people who have told me their loss stories only after ours. I wonder why I didn’t know before?

  2. Here from the Roundup… I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs. I wish people would understand. I wish people would man up and would have the strength to feel your pain. This is such an important reminder for all of us – those who have lost and the rest of us who work to support those who have as best we can. Thank you so much for sharing.

  3. Pingback: Dear Noah

  4. I am so sorry you stumbled on that particular blog right now. Please know that it is intended to be tongue and cheek although sadly it is accurate in too many cases.

    Now that there is a community of awesome women and families who have walked in your shoes and will be here to come along side and carry you on. The ones who knew there is no date that won’t be difficult and no time line for okay let alone ‘better’.

    Thinking of you.

  5. Here from the roundup. I’m so sorry for your loss of Noah.
    I know my mom’s death is nothing at all like that of a child, but grief is grief and I do understand missing someone so much that it hurts. It’s been over 2 years since she died and I still hurt so bad sometimes. *big hugs*

  6. No one wanted to talk to me about my mom after she died. I think they were afraid of upsetting me. Only a couple of very close friends would ask me how I was doing and really meant it – they would let me cry and would encourage me to keep talking. If and when you find those people, hold them close. Write about your loss and about Noah as much as you need to. Talk about him even if it makes people uncomfortable.

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