It’s is one of our last nights visiting family and friends for Thanksgiving. It’s exhausting being here. Having my grief on display 24 hours a day. Part of me can’t wait to go home to you. I know you aren’t really there, but your ashes are and it’s hard to be away.
It’s trip was fraught with so much “should have been.” Should have been 25 weeks pregnant. Should be so uncomfortable without my pregnancy pillow. Should be unable to eat from the HG. Should be taking it easy. Should be worrying about preterm labor far from home. Should be looking forward to your birth, not mourning your death. Should be making summer plans to introduce you to family, not showing them pictures of you still. Should be making summer travel plans, not putting them off because of uncertain TTC timelines.
I feel like my life is now in parallel universes. This terrible one where I miss you all the time, and the “should have beens.”
I miss you.