Should have beens

Dear Noah,
It’s is one of our last nights visiting family and friends for Thanksgiving. It’s exhausting being here. Having my grief on display 24 hours a day. Part of me can’t wait to go home to you. I know you aren’t really there, but your ashes are and it’s hard to be away.

It’s trip was fraught with so much “should have been.” Should have been 25 weeks pregnant. Should be so uncomfortable without my pregnancy pillow. Should be unable to eat from the HG. Should be taking it easy. Should be worrying about preterm labor far from home. Should be looking forward to your birth, not mourning your death. Should be making summer plans to introduce you to family, not showing them pictures of you still. Should be making summer travel plans, not putting them off because of uncertain TTC timelines.

I feel like my life is now in parallel universes. This terrible one where I miss you all the time, and the “should have beens.”

I miss you.

Love always.


3 thoughts on “Should have beens

  1. I hate the should have beens too. I relate to the parallel universe concept. It feels like that for me sometimes too and it’s very weird. Sometimes everything is just so surreal. Congratulate yourself on making it through a first holiday. That’s something big.

  2. Hi my dear. I saw you commented on my blog and wanted to stop by in turn. Boy, do I know everything you are feeling. My preterm birth was spontaneous, but I went through all of the labor knowing I would lose my angels. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I went though all the same issues with loved ones avoiding the topic of loss. Of not mentioning my babies. Oh how it hurt. Unfortunately, at some point most people will try to urge you, even silently, to move on and think of happier things. It’s really hard on them to watch constant grief. I found that telling people that you are okay, but need to do this on your own time helps keep them from pushing. My hubby even told me around the three month mark, that he was worried I wouldn’t come out of my grief. I just had to let him know that, in the end, I would be okay…but I needed him to be patient. I did everything I could to remember my babies and that really helped. I still feel the need to find little ways to honor them and it’s been two years.
    Just do this in your own time and focus on healing however works for you. No one can understand what this kind of loss is like for a mother, but another mother. I miss my little ones SO SO much. I think of them all the time.
    We are here for you. If you need to talk to someone who has been through this.

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