Remembering at the holidays.

Back in September (BEFORE) I ordered a bunch of Lamaze toys through a co-op for Noah. We had one for Owen, and he loved it so much, so when the opportunity came up to order them for Noah (who we didn’t yet know was Noah) I jumped at it. As some of you may know, co-op orders take forever. So yesterday I got the news that, guess what, they are in. They join the frog hat, and a thing 2 hat (I have thing 1 for Owen) that I don’t know what to do with. The friend running the co-op has nicely offered to keep them to resell and refund me so I don’t have to deal with it. Nice of her, but I’m not sure that it helps. I’ll always know that they are out there, and that they were supposed to be for Noah.

Dan and I had talked about implementing a tradition that I saw on a loss blog about dealing with the holidays. Buying a toy each year for the age Noah would have been, and donating to toys for tots. So I think that is what we will do with the toys. I’d love to include something about how it is in memory of Noah, but I don’t know that we can do that. I’m also planning on keeping one for him, for his memory box. It’s full, but I guess that just means we need a bigger one.

I also want to get ornaments for our families in memory of Noah. I’m not sure how they will react. Dan is worried about pushing too much. But I’m not sure I care. I need him remembered. If they don’t want to put it up, fine, I will probably never know. But it feels like something I need to do for him.

We’ve been through several first holidays. First Halloween. (The second in 3 years that I was supposed to be pregnant and wasn’t.) First thanksgiving. (Didn’t feel very thankful.) First Hanukkah. And now we approach first Christmas. It seems worse. It focuses so much on being happy, and it just lasts so damn long. I’d like to skip it all together, but it’s the first year that Owen is actually old enough to get it, so we can’t. Our town has big holiday events this weekend. Everyone was asking me yesterday if we were going to this, or that. It was a rough day, and I found myself crying a lot. But we have to keep moving. So we’ll go to the lit parade tonight, and I’ll keep struggling to find ways to include and remember Noah this holiday season. (Seriously, why does it have to be a whole season? I’m not sure how much of it I can take.)

How are you remembering your baby this holiday season?

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4 thoughts on “Remembering at the holidays.

  1. We have ornaments for the twins we hang on the tree and a bell with their names engraved. We also have a special spot we keep candles lit in the evening by an angel. I had a star named for them so when its clear I will go outside and talk to them. There is so much you can do and it all feels better than doing nothing.

  2. I love your idea for buying gifts and donating them. We did something similar; the money we would have spent on our Kayla for Christmas was donated to St. Jude. We plan to chose a different (or rotate between several) charity each year, preferably ones that benefit children. We bought new stockings this year for ourselves and also got one for Kayla, and there are a few ornaments on the tree for her, some that we bought while we were expecting her, and some since her loss.

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