I’m not ok

The closer we get to Christmas, the more broken I feel. I feel on edge all the time. Exhausted. On the verge of tears at least half the day.

I don’t know what it is. We’re not even a big “Christmas” family. Dan’s pretty agnostic, I identify as Jewish, but we both grew up with Santa and a tree.

I think regardless of religiousness, or lack there of, Christmas means joy and family togetherness. Well I’m not feeling very joyfull and my family is most definitely NOT together. I feel that absence more each day. It’s just the black hole inside me and I feel like I’m falling in. I put up a good face as a together, functioning person most of the time, but even that facade seems to be cracking. I just don’t know how much more I can handle.

I fall apart in bits and pieces. Owen is always there, and I feel like I have to hold it together for him. He’s 2, and I’m his primary care giver 80% of the time. He depends on me to not fall apart. And Dan… I don’t even know. Most of the time I don’t feel like I can fall apart on him either. He told me about a month ago, after a rough few days where he walked away from me while I was upset and trying to talk about Noah, that there are times when he feels overwhelmed by my grief. Or that it makes him feel guilty because he doesn’t grieve as intensely or the same way I do.

So I hold it all I until the few minutes I alone. I cry in the car where Owen can’t see from his carseat. I cry in the shower, the bathroom. I cry in 2 minute chunks and then I try to push it all under again. But I’m starting to leak, and I don’t know how much longer I can function like this. I am angry at everything. The only time I feel any peace is when I do something to remember Noah. Order an ornament, write, read other loss blogs. Thank goodness for this community. It fucking sucks to be in it, and I wish none of us were, but there is no way I would survive without it. Twenty more days and the holiday season is over. It can’t come soon enough.

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7 thoughts on “I’m not ok

  1. It does suck that you have to be a part of this community, but it really is the most amazing community out there. It is filled with love and hope and faith and shoulders to cry on. Everyone grieves in their own way- if you need to cry, just cry. I hope that the holiday gets easier for you. I hope you know that we are here for you and you are welcome to cry on our shoulders at anytime. Sending you love and peace today and always!

  2. 😦 I have been finding holidays to be hard too. It’s because of what you said, that they are about families being together and whole and ours are not. I cry in random moments too, often in the car, or when we’re watching t.v. at night and Josh is laying with his head at my end of the couch so he can’t see me. I say cry when you need to and let it out when it needs to come out. That’s part of getting through. It’s so hard when you have to hold it together, so when you don’t have to, don’t.

  3. I can relate to much of what you said. I’ve got 3 girls and I’ve tried to maintain a sense of normalcy for them since Aj died. That’s definitely been difficult to do while grieving. A couple of days ago I totally broke down. I felt like I didn’t have anything else to give anyone because I was completely empty. Hugs, I’m praying for you.

  4. It’s ok to not be ok. 🙂

    Even if you’re not a big Christmas person, the “joy” of the holidays is shoved down your throat everywhere you turn. It’s a time when we’re all supposed to be jolly and loved and at peace, yet I feel everything but. To me, it’s just a reminder that my family is broken and how much I miss my mom.

    In the beginning, I would cry in secret a lot. I cried in the morning getting ready for work, at work in the bathroom, in my car on the way home, in the shower, etc. They were quick, but intense, bursts of emotion and I really feel like they helped me to release everything. I usually felt a tiny bit better after letting it all out. I think it’s good for us to cry instead of trying to hold it all in. That’s just going to lead to an outburst and something much worse than a quick cry. Big hugs to you.

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