The closer we get to Christmas, the more broken I feel. I feel on edge all the time. Exhausted. On the verge of tears at least half the day.
I don’t know what it is. We’re not even a big “Christmas” family. Dan’s pretty agnostic, I identify as Jewish, but we both grew up with Santa and a tree.
I think regardless of religiousness, or lack there of, Christmas means joy and family togetherness. Well I’m not feeling very joyfull and my family is most definitely NOT together. I feel that absence more each day. It’s just the black hole inside me and I feel like I’m falling in. I put up a good face as a together, functioning person most of the time, but even that facade seems to be cracking. I just don’t know how much more I can handle.
I fall apart in bits and pieces. Owen is always there, and I feel like I have to hold it together for him. He’s 2, and I’m his primary care giver 80% of the time. He depends on me to not fall apart. And Dan… I don’t even know. Most of the time I don’t feel like I can fall apart on him either. He told me about a month ago, after a rough few days where he walked away from me while I was upset and trying to talk about Noah, that there are times when he feels overwhelmed by my grief. Or that it makes him feel guilty because he doesn’t grieve as intensely or the same way I do.
So I hold it all I until the few minutes I alone. I cry in the car where Owen can’t see from his carseat. I cry in the shower, the bathroom. I cry in 2 minute chunks and then I try to push it all under again. But I’m starting to leak, and I don’t know how much longer I can function like this. I am angry at everything. The only time I feel any peace is when I do something to remember Noah. Order an ornament, write, read other loss blogs. Thank goodness for this community. It fucking sucks to be in it, and I wish none of us were, but there is no way I would survive without it. Twenty more days and the holiday season is over. It can’t come soon enough.