Things not to do when talking to a loss mom

We has a cookie exchange at my moms group today. There are two moms due the month I was. One sent an email saying how great the cookies were and “Just wish I was enjoying all this chocolate with a little red wine, next year I suppose.” It was hard enough just seeing her. I really didn’t need that in my inbox when I got home too. And it’s not just me, another mom lost her baby at 13w 2 weeks after we lost Noah.

Is it just me, or should that be a no brainier? Don’t complain about not being able to drink during your healthy pregnancy to two women who lost their babies less than 2 months ago!

Other things that have been said by these two women –

  • “oh, I just wish I knew what my baby looked like!”(What we wanted to say) “Well we knew and wish we didn’t because it would mean our babies were still safe inside us.”
  • “It’s just torture to try to think of something to be grateful for!” (During a thanksgiving gratitude time) “How about your healthy baby, you nitwit!”
  • “Oh let (older son) hold your baby so he can practice being a big brother! I think I’ll leave the room now…

Is it just me? Obviously if I am going to these events (which I have to, I can’t keep Owen away from his friends indefinitely) I’m going to see these people. And it will suck. It will suck watching them get more and more pregnant. It will suck when they give birth on or around Noah’s due date. It will suck when they come back with their healthy newborns the same age Noah should have been. Everything about being around them sucks. There is just no getting around it. But do you think they could think before opening their mouths? That us, sitting staring at them would’ve a reminder of how fragile life is, and just how lucky they are?


6 thoughts on “Things not to do when talking to a loss mom

  1. Its not just in loss. Its in life in general. Its like people forget to think of those around them. I notice it with my friends who have kids or are pregnant as well.. there is always a double standard- the US and the THEM. I wish more people would think more often. Life is so very fragile and I wish more people would embrace it and be thankful for it instead of take it for granted so often! Im so sorry you had to deal with this and will have to continue to deal with it. I know speaking to them about it can be opening a can of worms, but maybe an email asking them to remember that you are fragile right now and not to forget all that they have to be thankful for.

  2. It’s not just you. Not long after I lost my mom, a friend of mine got pregnant. All she could do was complain about how “annoying” her mom was wanting to be involved. I wanted to tell her, “At least your mom is alive and will meet your children one day.”

  3. Arg. People. I’m sorry that you had to hear/read those things. It seems to be everywhere. People just don’t get it, I guess. At lunch today, I had to listen to people talk about planning a baby shower for another teacher and all about her pregnancy concerns. It makes me feel mean, but I don’t like hearing that sort of thing.

  4. This is so tough. When things like this happen to me, my blood boils and radiates through my body. Luckily, I am able to let my frustration be heard by talking to my husband and letting this out blogging. I hope that helps you too.

    I use to find myself saying, “I wish I had your problems,” when someone would tell me about their bad day, etc. I guess now, I’m just glad nobody has to feel this awful pain.

    Thinking of you…

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