CD1 and TTC fears

CD1. Ugh. I have now been bleeding 5 out of the last 9 weeks. In addition to having horribly painful cramps (always have, used to end up in the ER for them until they finally gave me narcotics for them) it just reminds me that I’m not pregnant. That I should be, and I’m not. I know that Noah is gone, but it still hits me.

We aren’t TTC yet, but a tiny part of me had some hope that a miracle would happen and I would be pregnant anyway. I know another baby won’t replace him, but there’s this part of my brain that knows I should be pregnant right now, and is just screaming at me to fix it. I heard shortly after Noah died that many people try really hard to be pregnant again before their due date. That it’s this magical milestone. I didn’t get it right away, but now I do. It’s this cognitive dissonance. Knowing that you should be pregnant, but you’re not. A part of your brain thinks you should be. And so if it doesn’t happen, you feel like you failed to “fix” that dissonance.

Don’t get me wrong, I am terrified of being pregnant. Terrified of the HG and what it will do to me, my husband, Owen. Afraid that we won’t get the community support with did with Noah’s pregnancy, that we’ve “used it up” some how. Terrified that the same thing will happen. Terrified that something different will go wrong. Terrified that I will never be able to give birth on my terms. Terrified that I will not ever be able to keep a baby with me. Terrified that I will never have a healthy, normal birth without a NICU or funeral home.

But I want to try anyway. The fear of NOT getting pregnant is stronger. The fear of not giving my son a brother or sister close in age that he can grow up with. The fear of my last birth experience being surrounded in death. The fear that I will think my body is broken forever.

And so, next month, we put on a brave face and try. Because not trying is just as hard.

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15 thoughts on “CD1 and TTC fears

  1. I understand exactly how you feel. My heart yearns to be pregnant right now, and my arms ache to hold a living, breathing baby. But there is also so much fear. My biggest fear right now is that I’ll never be able to get pregnant again. That I’ll ttc and be disappointed every month. I can’t even begin to even imagine myself past the ttc point. Hugs!!! Praying for all of us!!

  2. I wish I could get pregnant now, but not because I particularly want another baby, but because I want to get the pregnancy over with. If that makes sense. I’ve been told that there’s a very slim chance that I could have another baby, and for some reason I am not satisfied with that.

  3. I know that deep need to be pregnant again. I once heard, “Some women need to be healed before they get pregnant again, and some women need to be pregnant again before they can heal.” I am one who needs to be pregnant again before I can heal, and I am now on my 10th month TTC since losing Lucy. It is so hard, but like you said, not trying is just as hard, or harder in my opinion. I did find when I started TTC again I started to finally feel hope and it was nice to have a new focus besides my grief. I hope you feel encouraged next month as you start trying for baby #3. Good luck!

    • Oh man, hearing you say baby #3 made me tear up. Obviously that’s correct, but I hadn’t gotten to putting it in quite that way. I’m so glad you said it that way. Everyone talks about “trying again” and I wasn’t quite sure why that didn’t sit right with me. But it’s not just trying again. If we are lucky enough to get pregnant again this baby will be our third. Noah will always be our second child. I wish you luck on TTC baby #4.

  4. I battle with myself with this question, but before I become pregnant again I’ve realized, I have to be heal physically, mentally and emotionally. It’s going to be awhile for us, but don’t feel alone for thinking those things. I do too. Thinking of you.

    • As Bethany said above: “Some women need to be healed before they get pregnant again, and some women need to be pregnant again before they can heal.” I know I am the latter type. Obviously it wasn’t he same, but I felt like I needed a new pregnancy to heal after Owen’s prematurity, NICU, and cesarean. I’m still waiting for that.

  5. I’ve been right where you are. After I lost our twins, my body felt SO empty and wrong. I wanted to be pregnant again right away. I wasn’t able to due to a surgery I needed, but that was my reaction. I was mourning, but I was ready to be a mom to a living child. I was SO scared and hated that pregnancy felt ruined for me. I wanted to prove my body wrong – that I could carry a child to term and I would. Your feelings are perfectly understandable. Just make sure you are mentally ready to take on another pregnancy. It would be very hard going through the stress while Noah’s loss is still fresh. Be sure you can handle it. I found that 6 months gave me the time I needed to get through the due date and remember my twins. Once that date passed…something in me was stronger. I was ready. I wish the same for you.

  6. I’m so sorry it’s CD1.
    The cognitive dissonance idea is interesting. I certainly want to be pregnant again – of course I’m terrified that something might go wrong again, like for you, the fear of not getting pregnant is stronger. And by no means does this imply we’re forgetting our beloved lost babies.

  7. Zachary’s due date was December 24th. I feel that if I am not pregnant before then that something of him will be lost. Too much pressure on one month. I think our bodies are unconsciously still pregnant until it is time to deliver. I wonder what I will feel like once December has passed. I really resonate with the fear of not being pregnant and wish you lots of luck this month.

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