I can’t believe it’s been 2 months. Two months ago right now, we were saying our goodbyes at the funeral home. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, it seems impossible that two months have passed. How has the world kept turning? How am I still moving. We lit a candle tonight, just like last month. We also took a little of your ashes and put them in a necklace that I wear so you are always with me. It has a little charm with your birthstones, and I am collecting your milk to get a milk bead added to it. It will be a heart inscribed with your name. I may not get enough milk of yours, there is very little in me. But I have Owen’s in the freezer, and he can share some for the bead, just like you have shared yours for him to drink. Brothers. I thought you would share so much more.
He talks about you now. We have moved from him touching my stomach and saying “baby” to saying “Baby Noah.” He. Still thinks you are inside. It is so hard to try to explain to him. And on one had, so long as he doesn’t really understand, he won’t be as devastatingly sad as the rest of us. And I’m comforted to know that he will grow up rememberingandtalkingandlookingatpicturs of you. He is so young, I know he may not really remember, but I hope he will remember enough.. He will always know your name, and that you are his little brother. That you made him a big brother.
I watch other siblings,and I am so sad. Sad of course that you aren’t here. That we will never get to see you grow up. See who you would have become. But also sad that I won’t see who. Ou would have been together. Would you have been best friends? Competitive? Two peas in a pod, or as different as night and day? Needed us as a referee, or teamed up against us?
I have so many questions. I miss you for me, for him, for your dad, your grandparents, for everyone you would have met. There is a you shaped hole in our lives, and no matter what, it will never be filled. I will miss you forever.