Days like this

imageSome days hurt more than others. Some moments. I can’t even tell you why. I’ll be functioning all day, and then start crying. And once it starts like that, it is so hard to stop. Suddenly I’m crying in the car, in the grocery store checkout. No real trigger, just suddenly it hurts so much I can barely breathe. It feels like there is a piece of me missing. And there is. I should be 28 weeks. Noah should still be inside, safe and sound. That’s the way this works. I felt it even when Owen was born at 33 weeks. He should have been inside me, and he wasn’t and it just felt so damn wrong. And at least then I knew he was ok. I could go and see him, and hold him sometimes. Now there is just this hole.

My whole body feels wrong. Life feels wrong. I know people say it gets better. But when? And how? I just feel so broken.

I think part of it today is that we are really starting to prepare for Christmas. And damn it, I don’t want to. I don’t know how to care about this holiday, this celebration, when celebrating anything is the last thing I want to do. I go through the motions, but it’s hard. I feel stuck. Times like this it feels like I won’t ever be happy again.

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14 thoughts on “Days like this

  1. Two months is such a short time in this context. Eventually it will get easier, you’ll learn to live with it, I promise, but it’s going to take a while. We lost our first child six years ago and I told about her to my 3,5-year-old last summer. It may be that she did not understand it all, but she understood the sorrow. It was very touching.

  2. Hi from ICLW. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I don’t know why things like this happen, it is so hard to understand. I am sending good thoughts to you, that you may find some peace during the holidays. Someone once said that when your heart is broken, the cracks let the light in. Bless you and your family.

  3. This brings me right back to my loss so vividly. I felt exactly all of these things. When I gave birth to M & A, I felt as if part of me was gone. The hole is so deep. I would cry almost every time I drove anywhere – too much quiet time. I cried in the bank, at the copier machine at work, in the back yard as I smoked a cigarette…and I am not a smoker. Some days I could go the whole day until my husband was in bed before I would cry, other days absolutely everything set me off. I would always think “today I would be 26 weeks, they could have possibly lived…”

    The holidays hurt really bad. Even with a little boy at home, I think of my twins. I remember going into labor in the downstairs bathroom and how many nights I considered packing up all the Christmas decorations and hopping a plane to vegas so I could avoid the holidays. I was supposed to be happy and jolly and those were things I didn’t know how to be. I plowed through the holidays with my head down and didn’t think too much about it.

    After being able to relate to all of it, I need to say – do whatever you need to do. People pressured me to do Christmasy things and go to parties. It was not enjoyable. You need this time to heal and remember your son. You need to cry. If you want to talk about Noah, do it to whomever will listen. Use this space as your outlet. We don’t mind.

    I will also tell you from experience that mourning a child takes time. You will take however much time is necessary for you and it will hurt. Even though it feels like the pain will never end, it will get easier to manage. Do what you can to honor your baby and be active in your healing process. Standing back from your feelings or ignoring the hole in your heart won’t help. It was about 5-6 months before I felt normal-ish again. Normal and healed enough to try for another baby. I still mourned heavily the first year, but as other milestones passed (their due date, the year anniversary), I felt better. I tried to get pregnant again via FET after 6 months so I would have something positive to focus my efforts on while I remembered my twins. Not everyone is ready for that step, but I felt as if those embryos were waiting for me. I was attached to them. It made it easier.

    Just know that life will go on, even when it seems it shouldn’t be able to, and you will slowly function a little better. Your heart will always feel wrong without Noah, but it will heal. Perhaps with a scar, but it will heal.

    If you ever need to talk, I am here.

  4. The whole year is hard, but I do think this holiday time of joy and family is particularly hard. I’m so sorry Noah isn’t here. I tend to retreat quite a bit in December, and I’m sorry I’ve only made it over here now. Thank so much for your kind words on my blog all through this month. I’m six years out, and navigate most of the year well, but I still stumble through this month. When Henry first died, wondered if I’d ever be able to celebrate Christmas again. I couldn’t imagine ever giving my children, should I have others, a joyful holiday, but I have, I am. We all walk a different path, but I offer this up as hope. I know in the early years, I sometimes clung to the mere possibility that things would get better some day, that I’d laugh again, put up a tree, not cry through a birthday party—I clung to the belief that things would get better even if I couldn’t imagine how they could. So I offer my light right now.

  5. Visiting from ICLW. First of all, I’m so very sorry for your loss. This is heartbreaking and it really takes time to heal. I won’t pretend that I understand. I just want to say that it is difficult during this season when you want to have all of your loved ones with you. It happened such a short time ago. Emotions don’t need trigger. They just.. happen. I hope that you’re surrounded with love during this season.

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