Some days hurt more than others. Some moments. I can’t even tell you why. I’ll be functioning all day, and then start crying. And once it starts like that, it is so hard to stop. Suddenly I’m crying in the car, in the grocery store checkout. No real trigger, just suddenly it hurts so much I can barely breathe. It feels like there is a piece of me missing. And there is. I should be 28 weeks. Noah should still be inside, safe and sound. That’s the way this works. I felt it even when Owen was born at 33 weeks. He should have been inside me, and he wasn’t and it just felt so damn wrong. And at least then I knew he was ok. I could go and see him, and hold him sometimes. Now there is just this hole.
My whole body feels wrong. Life feels wrong. I know people say it gets better. But when? And how? I just feel so broken.
I think part of it today is that we are really starting to prepare for Christmas. And damn it, I don’t want to. I don’t know how to care about this holiday, this celebration, when celebrating anything is the last thing I want to do. I go through the motions, but it’s hard. I feel stuck. Times like this it feels like I won’t ever be happy again.