This is it. Ovulation day. As of now we could be on our way to you having a little brother or sister. It seems strange for the same reason it seems right. I should be pregnant right now, and therefore, being pregnant would be right. But I should be pregnant with you right now, and therefore it seems wrong. How could you have a little brother or sister on the way before you are even supposed to be born?
We want this. We want to get pregnant right now. Despite how terrified I am of HG, of losing another baby, we want it. But I know it won’t fill the hole in my heart. It will fill other places, fill to bursting even. But it won’t dull the ache of not having you. You will always be our child. The missing person in our family pictures.
I’m not sure how to reconcile this in my head. What we want most is you. And a new baby will never replace you. But we always wanted more children. And we want a living sibling close in age for Owen to play with.
He got a doll for Christmas. He tries to get it to play with him. He shakes the maracas, then tries to put the maracas in the dolls hand. I know he would have done the same with you. It is one of the many things I miss. How would the two of you have been together?
We’ll know if this cycle worked in a little over a week. Just know that no matter what, we will always be thinking abou you. Loving you. And that if you do get a little brother or sister, that they will always know about their big brother Noah, just like Owen knows about his first little brother.
With love always.