BF…?

I reached my 8DPO yesterday. The day I always start testing. With Noah, I got a BFN at 8DPO and a BPF at 9DPO, though really light.

Yesterday, I got what looked like a really light line at 8DPO. I saw it. My TTC/pregnancy message board friends (we’ve been together since I was TTC with. Owen 4 years ago) seemed to see it. And my one local friend who I feel close enough to to text her a picture of my pee stick thought she saw it to! (Can I just say how amazing it is to have a local friend that I can do that with? Seriously, I don’t know what I would do without her some days.)

So I was convinced. Told my husband I was pregnant. Made an OB appointment for next week, and waited for the line to get darker today. And…. Then it didn’t. I still think I see the faint line sometimes, but it is so light, I also wonder if it’s in my head. I’m terrified that it’s all in my head. I will feel so stupid canceling that OB appointment.

So yeah. Hopefully it will get darker tomorrow. If not, well, that might at least be a more definitive answer.

Do yeah. I’ve done a lot of peering on sticks and staring at (imaginary?) lines the last 2 days. And with that, a lot of thoughts of what it will be like if I am pregnant. The fear of starting every thought with “if this baby lives….” The planning and the fear of HG and 3 months + of throwing up, and hospitals, and IV fluids and bedrest. And most of all, worrying that people will think that this (hypothetical) baby will in someway “fix” what happened or replace Noah. Because it won’t this hypothetical baby will always be our 3rd child. It will have 2 older brothers. And it will never be, or be a replacement for Noah.

I have set of Thing 1 and a Thing 2 hats upstairs in Owen’s closet. I don’t know exactly what to do with them. I know I could never use them with Owen and a future baby. Because that future baby will never be out “Thing 2.” That was Noah, and no future children can ever take that place from him.

It is so hard to think about. Being happy at the idea of another baby, and so sad because I shouldn’t be getting pregnant right now, I should BE pregnant. I should be 31 weeks and staring down the specter of 33w5d – the day I delivered Owen. Not staring down a March due date that will never be.

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10 thoughts on “BF…?

  1. This is why I’m terrified to test early. The could it be a line or not would drive me nuts!! But I’m really hoping for the best for you ! Hoping the line will get darker tomorrow!!

  2. I love that poem! I truly hope this is the one for you and it gets darker. I know squinting at those lines can make you crazy. Wishing you the best always!

  3. Good luck – I never get a line until 14 days after my period was due. Dunno why. But hey, at least then I’m already 6 weeks and the first trimester seems really short.

  4. I hear what you’re saying about the Thing 1 and Thing 2 hats. I am hopeful we will have another baby after losing our Silas, but I am tortured by thoughts of how we will announce a pregnancy. Last Christmas, we posted a picture of three stockings, each with tags with our kids’ names with one tagged “Do not open until June 28, 2013.” So many announcements represent numbers and that’s so hard when one is missing. We made a Build a Bear for Silas because I had recorded his heart tones on a sound device to be placed in the paw. We will use it to represent Silas’ place as long as I need to do so. I hope you get good news soon! I don’t known what it’s like to experience infertility, but I had to wait 7 and 10 months to conceive my first and last. It was a very difficult time. I’m not looking forward to disappointment again…especially when so many around me are easily blessed with fertility and healthy babies.

    • Right. My TTC time was similar with my oldest, but with charting, and some known issues, we started treatments earlier than a year. It is hard. I think I’m done with cutesy announcements for now, I don’t think I can be that optimistic again. I’ll probably announce early with a request for prayers for a healthy baby.

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