Three Months

Dear Noah,

Today is 3 months since your stillbirthday.  I still miss you and think about you every day.  It seems impossible that a quarter of a year has gone by without you.  A month from today you will have been gone as long as you were alive.  It seems crazy.  Impossible.

I get flashes.  Thinking about what life would have been like if you had been healthy.  You wouldn’t be 3 months old, even though it is three months from your birthday.  We would have been 32w4d.  One week before when my pregnancy with Owen ended.  Over 7 weeks until your due date.  We would have eveything set, maternity pictures taken, hospital bag packed.  We would have done all the planning and preparing that we never really got a chance to start.  We would be ready for you to come any day, yet holding out breath hoping you would stay in for 2 more months.  We would have been prepared this time.  But we were never prepared for this.

I was terrified of a miscarriage until 15 weeks.  I was terrified of you being born at 33 weeks.  I wasn’t prepared for a fatal diagnosis.  I wasn’t prepared to lose you at 20 weeks.  That was supposed to be the safe time.  15-30 weeks.  That was supposed to be the time that I didn’t have to be afraid.  In the future, I will never not be afraid.

There are four other families due within two weeks of your due date.  They are all having healthy pregnancies, and I keep wondering why them.  Why them and not me.  They say 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss.  I don’t know if there are early losses I don’t know about, but we were the 1 in 5.  Statistics ring true.  Of those 4, there are 2 girls, 2 boys.  I have an easier time with the girls.  I compare them less to you.  The boy families I try to ignore.  Pretend they don’t exist.  I don’t know what I will do when those bumps I look away from are outside, very much alive and impossible to ignore.

I wish I knew what to say to you.  But I feel like it has all been said.  I’m a broken record.  I love you.  I miss you.  Why aren’t you here.  At the same time there is so much I never got to say.  The world seems cruel, taking you so soon.  We should have had more time.  We should have had forever.  I am still so angry.  So angry that I don’t get your first cry, your first laugh, first word.  So angry that I don’t get a life with you.  Nothing is fair.

I don’t know how to end this.  There is nothing uplifting I can say.  I miss you so much it hurts.  And nothing makes that go away.

Love always.

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4 thoughts on “Three Months

  1. I’m so sorry. I too thought I was safe at 20 weeks. It’s supposed to be the BEST time in a pregnancy, not the place you give birth. I miss my twins every day and wish I didn’t have to loose them at such a crucial time in development. It kills me that they were 4-5 weeks from having a shot. I pray for healing and peace for you and your family. It will get easier, thought never okay. Hugs.

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