I never had pregnancy innocence

I think after T-TTC, you never really have pregnancy innocence. After you’ve used fertility drugs, and joined the message boards, you know what can go wrong. So you hold your breath against everyone else’s milestones of “when things went wrong.” And then sigh in relief that it didn’t happen to you.

With my first pregnancy, I was nervous the whole time for pre-term labor. Not only did I have message board friends with preemies, my husband was himself a preemie. I had a scare at 22w, but then we were safe.

Then at 33w we were not so lucky. Sure, he was a big, relatively healthy 33 weeker, but there we were, 18 days in the NICU after an emergency cesarean.

I had PTSD after that. My heart would race every time we drove the road that took us past the hospital. And I knew that as nervous as I had been in pregnancy, next time would be worse.

Then I got pregnant again, and I was really sick, but still scared. I worried about miscarriage at 14w (a borrowed milestone) and I worried about another preemie.

I didn’t worry about he anatomy scan. But that is where the world fell apart. And with the recommendations for an u/s every week from 18w on in future pregnancies my worries intensified.

And then there was my next pregnancy. It only lasted 2 days.

3 pregnancies, one preemie, one fatal diagnosis, one miscarriage.

Is it any wonder I have a hard time imagining a happy, naive pregnancy? Is it any wonder I envy those who haven’t walked my road?

I should be 39 weeks today. I should be 11w1d today.

Instead

9DPO. BFN yesterday. Probable evaporation line today. Toddler pointing at my stomached and saying baby.

Probably not buddy. But there should be. Oh there should be.

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11 thoughts on “I never had pregnancy innocence

  1. It sucks doesn’t it.. My daughter keeps telling me she loves her baby.. And brings her little dolly to me and says mommy feed her.. I know she doesn’t understand but it still hurts .. 😦

  2. I am so sorry but can totally relate. I feel like I have been robbed of enjoying pregnancy. I know the next pregnancy I will be nervous the entire time. I also do what you do I should however means from the FET or I should have an infant at home.

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