3DPO again. I have a appointment tomorrow to talk to my OB about fertility meds, and an appointment with an RE a week after that incase my OB doesn’t do meds.
With O we did 2 cycles of Femara. I now that is NOTHING in the IF world, but still, that’s out history. With Noah we got a miracle and conceived naturally on cycle 3. But then he died. And while everyone keeps saying that we have proof that we can have a healthy kid, he was conceived with ART. And that can make a difference. Noah’s condition was most likely not genetic. Every test came back normal. And yet. So that leaves a “fluke.” But I know that issues like that can sometimes be egg quality. I have a friend IRL that has miscarried every time she has conceived naturally. But when they did a medicated cycle, she got pregnant and it stuck. So I figure stick with what works. If ART is what worked before, lets try it again.
With O we used Femara. I recently found out that Femara is not safe for breastfeeding. And the hald life is so long that the recommendation is to abstain from breastfeeding for 10 days after. Many have people have told me that I should wean O. He only nurses 1-2 times a day and not every day. But I’m not ready. I always wanted to do self-led weaning. And we are getting there. After everything we’ve overcome to breastfeed, I don’t know how to just stop. IT also feels like the only thing my body does right. I don’t get pregnant easily. I don’t stay pregnant easily. I’ve never made it to 35 weeks. But breastfeeding? That is the one thing in my pre-kids “plan” that I have been successful with.
And, it’s Noah’s milk. It’s the last thing I physically have of him. Owen will wean when he weans, but to make a choice to lose that? I can’t make a choice to lose the one piece of him I have left. I just can’t.
I “accidentally” found out that another family in our parenting group is pregnant again. Their oldest is younger than O. I asked when she was due and it was like a knife when they said September 9th. Thirteen days before my EDD with the chemical pregnancy. They then twisted the knife when they said the reason they haven’t announced yet at 16 weeks is because they want to wait for the tests they will do at 18 weeks because she is over 35.
All I could think is “so if there is something wrong you will just pretend this baby never existed?” I sort of understand in the first trimester. Miscarriage can be abstract and hard for society to deal with. It’s no less a loss, and I still grieve. But at 20 weeks, there is no denying the child. I know this is about them, and their comfort and their decision. But it felt like an attack on Noah. I am very open about his life, and his death. And to think of babies being denied that recognition makes my blood boil. To have it feel like an implication that I shouldn’t acknowledge his life and death makes me shake. Even if that implication may be only in my head.
And I know, I may be hypocritical. I also get angry at organizations like All That Love Can Do (no, I won’t link – Google it if you want) that say things like
“Not many mommies who decide to keep their sick babies and allow them to live for as long as possible. I guess people just kill their babies if they are sick. ”
“Sadly, and most likely, they will offer you the option to terminate the pregnancy. Please know you do not have to make that choice. You can make the loving and courageous choice to continue the pregnancy and give your baby all the love you can during his or her life.”
And the fact that I made a different choice than they did probably makes them angry too. Despite the fact that I have gotten horrified looks and comments when I share that if it weren’t for the medical concerns for me that continuing to carry would have caused, there is a good chance I would have carried to term. You can’t win either way. And I know that the family that is waiting to announce is just trying to protect themselves, but personally, I want each life acknowledged no matter how it ends.
This is also why it breaks my heart that I can’t get a birth certificate for Noah. Despite a missing angels law passing in my state a year ago that allows birth certificates for babies stillborn after 20 weeks if the parent requests it. Well, I’ve requested but been told that because I technically had a termination, I can’t get one. And it breaks my heart to think that in 100 years, when I am long gone, there will be no record that Noah ever existed. He existed. He was here. I felt him kick, I held him in my arms, I have the pictures. But to the state, it’s as if he was never born at all. And I suppose that’s why I get angry with the family who isn’t announcing. Because if heaven forbid something would happen to their child, it feels like they, like the state, would be pretending that their child never existed. And I want so much for people to acknowledge that Noah existed. So by choosing not to publicly acknowledge another baby like him, it feels like not acknowledging him.