IF

I know I’ve posted a bit about our TTC history here and here.  But the reality is, I’ve never really felt like I fit in the IF world.  Trouble-TTC?  Sure.  But I always felt like most IFers didn’t consider me “one of them.”  We started treatments (Femara/Metformin/Progesterone) after only 7 months TTC on our own with O, and it was all prescribed by an OB rather than an RE.  And then Noah was conceived after only 3m with just progesterone.  

But we are now on cycle 6 actively TTC (i.e. with progesterone) and depending on what you think of my charts 1-2 months not preventing with pretty good timing before that.  Even with that timing we never had a shot though, becasue my luteal phase (LP – the time between ovulation and “AF” – your period) was only 6 days.  And since implantation usually occurs between 6-9 DPO (days post-ovulation) with a 6 day LP, there is no chance for a BFP (Big Fat/freaking/etc Positive.)  

So after talking to my OB and finding out that she doesn’t do the monitoring necessary for Clomid, I went to an RE.  And holy hell, that was overwhelming.  

We started by going over my history and our previous test results.  In addition to my LP defect, and low progesterone, D had 2 semen analyses (S/A) 3 years ago when we were TTC O.  They were borderline.  There are 3 categories that the look at, count, morphology, and motility.  The first one was just above normal for count, low for overall motility, and right on the border between poor and good (excellent is also an option) for morphology.  The second had low count, Ok overall motility, but 2 out of 4 subcategories low, and morphology was better, in the middle of the good range.  

The RE (Dr C) said that looking at all of our results, he would normally recommend IUI, but that he was a fan of doing what worked before, so regular medicated cycles with progesterone was an option.  

That was a huge shock.  I know we had never been to an RE, but IUI has never been mentioned before.  

And that was before the ultrasound.  My right ovary looks normal.  But the right?  It is “significantly smaller” than a normal ovary and it has scar tissue.  Best guess is it’s not functioning.  Dr Google tells me that this could be a sign of premature ovarian failure.  And the words “egg donation” came up a lot.  

So that’s pretty terrifying.  

We’re doing testing this cycle – D has another S/A this Friday, I had CD3 bloodwork Monday, and I have an HSG and a hysterscopy to check out my tubes and uterus nest Wednesday.  We should have all the test results by then (including my AMH which I am anxiously awaiting to tell me about my ovarian reserve) so hopefully we can make a plan for cycle 7.  

We’re also dealing with the breastfeeding issue.  Dr C is willing to look at my research and do clomid while BFing if I want, but I’m also thinking of starting the weaning process.  It sucks so much.  I know it will break O’s heart.  But I don’t know what else to do.  It also makes me sad, because it’s Noah’s milk.  We’re coming up on the 6 month anniversary of his stillbirth and it is heartbreaking all over again.  I shouldn’t be doing any of this.  He should just be here.