So tired

Today was an incredibly hard day. We went to a birthday party and a housewarming party and they both had triggers everywhere.

Other March babies. Newly announced pregnancies. A “save the date” on the fridge for a wedding on Noah’s 1 year still birthday. And a family with a son O’s age, and a six week old.20140412-230855.jpg

All I could think was that should have been us. That should have been us there with our 2.5 yr old and a new baby. And no one there knew. Or if they ever did, they were’t thinking about it. It was almost 6 months ago now. No one thinks about Noah. How he should be here.

Somehow my IF news compounds my grief over losing Noah. It’s all so unfair. IF. Preemie. HG. Loss. It’s all too much. It’s too hard. It’s too much pain. It’s too much loss.

Noah was our miracle baby. With all our IF issues he came with so little intervention. He came so quickly. And then just like that he was gone. And we have to survive and fight. I am so tired of being strong. Why can’t something be easy. Just something.

I’m so tired of trying to hold it together.



3 thoughts on “So tired

  1. I’m so sorry. It’s totally understandable that the IF news compound your grief. It is a tough combination, and then you have to worry about HG, too. It really just seems too much for a single person to handle.
    I hope you will, somehow, come out ok on the other side.

  2. I totally understand about all the triggers. They are everywhere, but only loss moms see them. Everyone else thinks you are being too sensitive or you need to get over it already. As if you expected a world of no more pregnancies or babies ever. No. It would just be nice if a pregnancy or newborn wasn’t like a sharp stick to the eye. This is just very, very hard. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

  3. I am so sorry 😦 It is really exhausting. My IF and 2 early miscarriages made my Lucy grief so much worse too for some reason. And the triggers are EVERYWHERE! I think that’s one reason it is so exhausting- and it’s extra hard because no one else sees the triggers. Today at church it was all I could do to hold it together through the whole service and not burst into tears (even over a year after losing Lucy.) I won’t be going next week (even though it’s Easter.) It is too painful right now. So sorry you are going through this. You are not alone

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