Beta hell is quite the roller coaster. You’re pregnant-ish. Didn’t know that was possible huh?
It all started Monday. I saw a faint line on a Wondfo pregnancy test. But not on anything else. So I called and asked for a beta. I was able to go in at 1. I thought I saw some more lines on dollar store test through out the afternoon, so I held my breath and did a digital. I sort of figured that I would get my beta results in the morning and know for sure, so if I used up all my HPTs it was ok. I expected it to be negative. I did. But…
It was positive. I had a few hours of being completely over the moon. I texted D. I texted my BFF and my two local best friends. And my therapist. Because she is amazing.
I actually planned on announcing at my mom’s group this morning.
Every time we meet it is a slightly different group. But the core is the same every time. And so we always start with introductions of yourself, and your kids, and each person is asked to say 3 things they are grateful for. I usually introduce myself, O, and say that Noah would have been one month. But my plan yesterday was to combine my gratitude and introductions. I would have said
- I am grateful for O. He is 2.5 and I am just amazed at how he can carry on a conversation with me. He was my little preemie, and he has come so far. I am so grateful I get to see him grow.
- I am grateful for every minute we got to spend with Noah. He was stillborn in October, and would have been one month old.
- I am grateful for whatever time we get to spend with our new baby due in January.
I didn’t know how apt that last statement would be.
I got the call this morning. My beta was a three. I was told I was not pregnant. I burst into tears. I told them that I got a positive on a digital. I asked how? And why? And I asked for another beta right away.
I kept praying. My positive digital was 4 hours after the beta. Beta numbers should double every 48-72 hours. The digital shouldn’t get a positive result until the level is at least 25.
So it didn’t make sense. But I was still praying that somehow, someway the beta would be above 25.
It wasn’t. But it did go up. The beta drawn at 10am this morning, 21hrs after the previous was a 4.
My RE says that he thinks that an embryo did fertilize, and did implant. But he doesn’t think it is healthy. He thinks that I will likely miscarry. He told me to stay on the progesterone for now. I will get another beta drawn Thursday morning and will get the results that afternoon. We’re hoping for anything above 8. Anything above 8 will have a doubling time of 48hrs. Anything 4 and below will mean it is over. In between means… more beta hell.