Well it went up. But not as much as I hoped.
Monday 1pm – HCG- 3, Progesterone – 3
Tuesday 10am – HCG – 4
Thursday 10am – HCG – 6, Progesterone – 6.8
On both Monday and Tuesday I actually got to talk to Dr. C and he said he same thing “I don’t think it’s viable, don’t get your hopes up, I have seen this go either way.”
As have I. I know incredible beta stories the were gloom and doom that have turned into beautiful children. Beta stories as bad as ours, maybe worse.
The nurse today was not as grudgingly hopeful as Dr. C. She said that it’s not viable, and don’t have false hope with no caveat of “it’s possible.” I don’t know if that’s because Dr. C has lost that grudging hope, or if she just doesn’t have it.
But either way it went up. And up means growth.
Dr C wants me to stay on progesterone (would he say that if he had no hope?) and retest Monday. Monday?!? That is so far away! Why not Saturday I said. But I was told Monday.
I’ve debated calling back and asking for Saturday, just so I have an idea sooner. But maybe it doesn’t matter. The only things it would do is bolster my hope if it goes up again (particularly if it goes up a decent amount) or let me start a new cycle 2 days sooner. It would also potentially let me miscarry with D home. So there is something to be said for that.
But either way I won’t stop progesterone until the numbers go down. No matter how bleak it seems right now, I would always wonder.
I’ve always heard the pregnancy-after-loss motto of “Today I am pregnant and I love my baby.” But everyone keeps telling me to be realistic. Not to get my hopes up. But is it wrong to hope? It may be possible. This is not the way I wanted to start another pregnancy, but this is where we are. Is it wrong to say, that as long as the numbers are going up that I am still pregnant, that I will have hope?
Yes, the numbers are really low. It feels a little fake to even say that I’m pregnant.
Nothing seems right right now. But there is an embryo. And wrong or not, I want to keep this little one with me for as long as possible. Even if we will lose them in the end.