The night before

Our next beta will be tomorrow. I told the doctor I would get the results myself, and that I wanted D to be here if they are bad.

I’m preparing myself for this to be over. I have been clinging to hope. But I took a pregnancy test this afternoon. The only brand that has been showing lines with betas this low. And it’s lighter. Fainter. It could just be because it wasn’t FMU. That it was too dilute.

But I don’t think so. I will of course test in the morning. And then I’ll get the blood test results tomorrow night. But I’m preparing myself. Everyone keeps telling me too. I want to have hope, but from experience – the worst case scenario always is what happens.

No one thought, even after we found out that Noah’s ventricles were enlarged, that he would die. We were told that the doctor who reviewed the ultrasound thought it was probably just because he was so small. Because the tech had a hard time imaging his brain. We were told that hydrocephalus is treatable. That kids thrive. They have surgeries, they have shunts, but they live.

But Noah never had a chance. His case was incredibly severe. He never had a chance. Worst case scenario.

I have been strangely hopeful until today. I always assume the worst. I’m usually right.

But I have had such hope. And I’ve lost it.

I still pray for a miracle. For us to have a healthy, full term baby come January. But my hope, my optimism is gone. Maybe if the number tomorrow is good it will come back. But right now, I just need to make it through the night.


8 thoughts on “The night before

  1. I feel for you so much lovely. When you’ve been through the heartache you have it’s no wonder you find it hard to be hopeful and it’s understandable that you’ve lost that recent hope you had. Anyone would. You are making it through each day with incredible strength and determination so be kind to yourself. I will hang onto hope for you. Sending you a huge hug xx

  2. I am so sorry. I have been where you are and it sucks. Lucy was also a surprise “worst case scenario.” I often can’t get on the Isoimmunization (what killed Lucy) board or Facebook group because it’s full of pictures of all the healthy babies that made it like Lucy should have. And it is so hard to keep hoping once you’ve experienced loss after loss. Praying and hoping for you

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