7 months. How is that even possible? The past month has been so wrapped up in infertility, and the miscarriage. The IUI was on April 16th. Six month from our last day home with Noah. This whole month has been about betas and tests and plans.
It feels like my focus is split. This was the first month that I wasn’t painfully aware of each date as it passed. It’s been less each month, but still. In the beginning it was every few days another milestone. The 1st, the 2nd, the 9th, the 10th, the 16th, the 17th, the 19th, the 21st, the 23rd. It was a lot of dates. Every week another wound.
And I don’t know if it’s time, or the focus on IF, but I notice them less. And that feels like a loss too.
I watched Return to Zero on Saturday. There was a line about hurting being how you remember them. Hurting is part of the relationship with your child. It’s hard to know how to connect without the pain.
I do worry about this becoming more of an IF blog than loss. Obviously IF can be all consuming. But I still want to talk about Noah.
As I said in a previous post, I’m exhausted. A friend sent me this E-card after my betas went down. She said it made her think of me. I’m just exhausted. The past year has been so hard. And I know I’m not the only one having a hard year. I know there are others who have been fighting more fights for longer. But I feel like I’m battling on multiple fronts. Trying to stay strong on multiple fronts. Stillbirth. Miscarriage. Infertility. I know I’m not the only one, but all three can be all consuming, and I am just plain out of steam some times.
I miss Noah. I miss him, I miss the fact that he should now be 2 months old. I miss the fact that if he had lived, I wouldn’t be having any of these other fights. I would be exhausted, but for a much better reason.
Six months felt like a big milestone. Seven months is just more time. More loss. More ache.
As of today we are less than a month away from the one year anniversary of Noah being conceived. The first of the one year milestones. After that we’ll have the anniversary of the first positive test. First ultrasound. The 9 month mark will come – he’ll have been gone for the length of a normal pregnancy.
Time plods on and I’m still left wondering what the hell happened.