I’m starting clomid tonight. I don’t usually get super anxious at the start of a cycle, but this time I am. Clomid is a new drug for me, so that is a little scary.
I also feel like there is more riding on this cycle. With our IUI there was no time to anticipate – it was a complete surprise. But I have all month to worry about how or if this will work.
I am terrified of having another miscarriage. I don’t know how I would make it through it again. There has been so much loss in the past year. I need it to either work, or not work. I am so, so scared that it will be another miscarriage.
Loss is so isolating. It became obvious after Noah died. No one knows what to say. We have close family that still won’t talk about him. I feel like miscarriage is strangely even more isolating. There is this idea that you should keep it to yourself. Hell, you’re “not supposed” to tell anyone you are pregnant until second tri just so they won’t know if you have a miscarriage!
Well F that shit.
After Noah died people asked how I was for months. When I told people about the miscarriage (I hate the term chemical pregnancy, because I feel like it takes something that is written off as “not a big deal” and diminishes it even more) they maybe said something at the time, and then never mentioned it again. It’s been 3 weeks. It still hurts, it still sucks. There is no “over it.”
One of my closest friends had low betas and a miscarriage 2 weeks after I did. I hate that even I don’t know what to say to her. Every thing feels so inadequate.
So yes, we’re moving on with the next cycle. Bring on the clomid and IUI#2. But that doesn’t mean we are “over” the loss of any of our babies. I miss Noah. I miss Baby M.
And I a terrified that we will lose another. Terrified that my body has become some sort of death trap. In Return to Zero Maggie called her uterus “a lethal weapon.” There are days I know exactly how she feels.