It’s June again

It’s June again.  Last year I was on CD3 of the cycle I got pregnant with Noah.  I wasn’t expecting much – I’d only gotten my cycle back in March, and after it took so long with O and meds, I figured it would take a while.  I ovulated on CD20 which was June 18th and got my first BFP at 9DPO on June 7th.

This year I’m on CD7, which is my last day of Clomid.  We’ll do an IUI probably by the end of the week, or next weekend.  That would give me a due date right around the end of February/first week of March.

It just seems unreal that it’s been a year.  A year since I started the cycle that brought us Noah, soon a year since he was conceived.  Then a year from when we found out.  And then every day it will be at this time last year I was pregnant with Noah.

I don’t know why that is so hard.

Maybe because it feels like the beginning of the end?  I know that Tuesday will be 19w and 4 days until one year from when he was stillborn.  I know, because I was 19 weeks 4 day when he was was born, and in 18 days it will be one year from when he was conceived.

And I think it’s also another deadline.

I wanted be due before his birthday.  Be pregnant before his due date.  Be due in 2014.  Be pregnant before the anniversary of his conception.  I’ve missed almost all of them.  And I know it is incredibly likely I will miss the last too.  And then there is just one big deadline coming up.

Being pregnant before his birthday.

And I’m scared it won’t happen.  Or, won’t happen with a pregnancy that lasts more than a few days.

I know having a rainbow baby doesn’t fix anything.  I know it doesn’t replace him or make the grief go away.  But I need a ray of hope.  Hope that there is something after this.  Hope that my body can grow a baby who lives.  A hope that my child bearing years won’t be one live birth with a string of death after it.

So it’s June.  And I’m hopped up on clomid and extra emotional.  Plus – It’s June.

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4 thoughts on “It’s June again

  1. I called it the Clomid crazy train, ugh. Thank you for your courage in sharing this, it is beautifully written, your words made my heart ache. Sending much love and light, Justine

  2. I can relate to the feeling of wanting to hit certain milestones by certain dates… I want to be pregnant again before the date on which I conceived L, I want to have another baby before the anniversary or L’s loss, etc. It is so frustrating that we, of course, have no control, but I think those emotions and feelings are natural and to be expected. Keep your spirits up as much as possible – I’m thinking of you.

  3. I’m so sorry. The milestones are never easy. I feel the same way.. I would like to be pregnant again before August rolls around and I am reminded of the days I was pregnant with my boys. Clomid doesn’t help either, I know. Hugs to you.

  4. Pingback: IUI #2 | Dear Noah

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