TFMR and the loss community

I want to write a longer post today about the strife we saw in the community yesterday. For now. This is a place holder. I will update more later. If you aren’t sure what I am talking about, I have links and thoughts on my Facebook page. I find myself writing short thoughts more often there.

Until later.



When we got Noah’s diagnosis, the TFMR communities were the only places I went.  I didn’t feel right going into a loss community while I was still pregnant.  I was incredibly grateful for the TFMR communities for helping me prepare for my induction.  For letting me know it was ok to call NILMDTS, and to have my oldest meet his brother for the only time, and to buy clothes for him.  That it was ok to make as many memories as I could.  To remind me that this was my only chance to sing him songs, or rock him, or kiss him.


But after we came home, I needed more.  The TFMR communities were small.  I needed a place where there was someone available now.  I needed to “meet” moms who had also just gone through loss as recently as I had.  And I needed a wide audience to share Noah’s story with.  Because isn’t that what we all want?  To share our children with as many people as we possibly can?  To have them say, your child is loved and will be remembered?

But it took a lot for me to reach out.  My OB gave me the name of a local mom who’s son was stillborn at 41w.  I didn’t call.  I was afraid that she wouldn’t consider my loss a loss because I chose the timing.  I was told of a local child loss support group.  But I was afraid to go.  I was given the same woman’s name by multiple people, but it took one who knew her personally to assure me that she would not judge before I could call.

I was still terrified.  I took an anti-anxiety pill before that call.

She was wonderful.  Welcoming.  We still talk frequently about our sons.

But I still needed more.  I was so raw in those early days, and even though one woman accepted my story, I knew not everyone would.  Before asking to join any loss group on Face book, I read the rules.  See if it said anything about TFMR or abortion.  I would message the moderators.  I would tell them my story, and ask if I would be welcomed.  I held my breath waiting for someone to say no, but they never did.  I am so incredibly thankful for that.

I began to think that maybe I was wrong, that maybe everyone would recognize my loss for what it was.

Yesterday proved me wrong.  I saw some of the ugliest sides of our community.  I (along with other TFMR moms) were told that we were not “real BLMs.”  I woke up yesterday morning to more negative comments than positive.

If any of the times that I apprehensively reached out I had received a reaction like the ones that I saw yesterday, it would have crushed me.  I probably wouldn’t have reached out again.

I also saw something amazing yesterday.  As the day wore on, more positive comments came in.  Both on the post, and around the community.  I hope that if any moms who new to the community read that yesterday the positives outweighed the negative and they are able to find the support they need like I did.


7 thoughts on “TFMR and the loss community

  1. Okay I know you have basically j(and beautifully) said not to judge… but I am always surprised when people can’t see all loses as loses.

    I just have such a hard time understanding how anyone could say that someone who has faced TFMR situations (in my case it was my mom who went through it) hasn’t experienced a baby loss. It is so clearly by ever angle I can imagine a huge, unimaginable loss.

    I am so sorry you had seen even one negative comment.. though I have seen that whenever there are negative comments they come fast and furious… and then with time the positive ones start to flow, but that doesn’t undo the hurt caused by the first ones.

    Oh how I wish people would just be kind… and maybe through the power of sharing stories, little by little, people will start to ‘get it’.

    But for your heart, I send you love. May you have whatever you need for today and all the tomorrows.

  2. Shame on them. If I had to choose when to loose my kids I would be broken. Please disregard anything negative someone has to say to you. Loss is hard no matter when or how it happens and you mourn as any of us would. Good for you for speaking up.

  3. I haven’t finished my post about that article, but I was shocked they never deleted the nasty comments for any mothers grieving a fresh tfmr.

    I was really bothered by it. 😦

  4. I found this post through the 2014 Creme de la Creme and just wanted to send a hug and support your way. I am another Baby Loss Mama who had to make the heartbreaking choice of TFMR. What you expressed here is part of the reason I don’t reach out too often – out of fear of being judged and having negative comment rip my barely scared wounds wide open. I know how I feel and I know that I am a true BLM even though I chose to terminate before my child would have died on his own. I am so sorry to see that another TFMR mama had to be subjected to the negative comments. Thank you for writing this to support all of those other women who have to walk this horrible path. Hugs to you.

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