So we had our first appointment with the high-risk specialist(MFM), and first ultrasound Tuesday. Everything looks good. We could just see the gestational sac, as we expected.
But man going over history was hard. Particularly when I checked in, in a room full of hugely pregnant women when they asked me what number pregnancy this is (5) and how many living children (1). And then we had to do it all again when we went back with the nurse. Except then it was how many pregnancies (5) how many full term births (0) and how many living (1).
Having to spell it out in numbers like that I just feel so broken. I know everything looks ok right now, but damn my track record sucks. Why can’t I keep babies alive? I know we are doing everything we can for this pregnancy. Every potential issue I have, or am taking something for. But will it be enough? Who knows.
This is the 3rd Fourth of July out of 4 that I have been pregnant. I have to wonder, will I miraculously be here with a baby, or will my arms be empty once again.
I thought my triggers would lessen once I was pregnant. That I wouldn’t cry at pregnancy announcements. That double strollers wouldn’t feel like a knife to the heart. But nothing has changed. Obviously I knew that another pregnancy wouldn’t ever make me miss Noah less. But it’s not just that. I still don’t believe that I will take a baby home. It just doesn’t seem possible.
I know from experience that a pregnancy does not equal a baby to raise. In fact, a living baby has been the exception, not the rule. Even if this baby lives, I will still have had more pregnancies end in loss than not. With that track record, how can you ever believe that this will work?