1 out of 5

So we had our first appointment with the high-risk specialist(MFM), and first ultrasound Tuesday. Everything looks good. We could just see the gestational sac, as we expected.

But man going over history was hard. Particularly when I checked in, in a room full of hugely pregnant women when they asked me what number pregnancy this is (5) and how many living children (1). And then we had to do it all again when we went back with the nurse. Except then it was how many pregnancies (5) how many full term births (0) and how many living (1).

Having to spell it out in numbers like that I just feel so broken. I know everything looks ok right now, but damn my track record sucks. Why can’t I keep babies alive? I know we are doing everything we can for this pregnancy.  Every potential issue I have, or am taking something for.  But will it be enough?  Who knows.  

This is the 3rd Fourth of July out of 4 that I have been pregnant. I have to wonder, will I miraculously be here with a baby, or will my arms be empty once again.

I thought my triggers would lessen once I was pregnant. That I wouldn’t cry at pregnancy announcements. That double strollers wouldn’t feel like a knife to the heart. But nothing has changed. Obviously I knew that another pregnancy wouldn’t ever make me miss Noah less. But it’s not just that. I still don’t believe that I will take a baby home. It just doesn’t seem possible.

I know from experience that a pregnancy does not equal a baby to raise. In fact, a living baby has been the exception, not the rule. Even if this baby lives, I will still have had more pregnancies end in loss than not. With that track record, how can you ever believe that this will work?


3 thoughts on “1 out of 5

  1. I”m not sure I have any words to help you, but I certainly know where you’re coming from. For the initial medical questions, it’s all about stats and numbers, but to us it’s our kids. I’m on pregnancy number 4. I have 4 children in heaven, 1 on earth and 1 growing. I will ALWAYS have more dead kids than living kids…and that will never change. I just try to have some small amount of hope that we will get to bring this one home, that I will be doing everything I can to stay healthy (physically and mentally), take the precautions I need to take to feel safer in this pregnancy, and know that no matter what I do, no matter how much love I give this baby, it’s completely out of my control whether she lives or dies. It’s definitely a lot to take in.

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