Little flicker

Well, we have a heartbeat.  

I really wish the offices were better at reviewing my chart before I came in.  The nurse at my RE’s asked me if this was my first pregnancy, despite me having a miscarriage after an IUI with them less than 3 months ago.  I did think it was interesting that unlike at the OB’s or the MFM, after I told them how many pregnancies, they did ask IF there were any births, rather than how many.  I thought it was interesting that they didn’t assume.  Of course, I still needed to go into more detail because saying 2 births is not the full story.  I’m so tired of having to go into detail on all of our losses for every doctor’s appointment.  

I still feel like I’m waiting for the shoe to drop.  When they started the ultrasound, I clearly saw the sac, but didn’t think I saw anything in it.  I thought that was it right then.  But the doctor pointed out a tiny flicker right at the edge of the sac and said it was the heartbeat. I started crying.  I’ll put a picture after the bottom, feel free to skip it.  

I think I just don’t want to get my hopes up.  I’m not sure how to change it.  It feels like if I think this baby may really live, I’ll jinx it, and everything will fall apart.  I just don’t know how to handle it again.  

I think that’s why I’ve been so quiet here.  I don’t know how to be optimistic.  I don’t know how to just be grateful for the fact that things are looking good for now without following it up with that “for now.”  With the addendum that I don’t think it will last.  

That and I’m exhausted all the time.  The nausea is definitely hitting.  We are starting O in preschool next week to give him something to do if I end up on bedrest soon again.  By this point (6w4d) with Noah I already had the pump, and would be in the hospital for the first time in less than a week.  I’m not there yet, be we know I may get there.  

The preschool app asks if there is anything going on at home that could effect his behavior such as “death, divorce, new baby, or illness.”  I have been avoiding filling out that part.  How do I distill the trauma of the last year down into 3 lines?  I know Owen is aware of it.  I mentioned the baby to him once, and he got scared and upset, and has been clingy ever since.  And I can’t reassure him that this baby won’t die too.  One, I can’t promise that.  And two, I still think it will.  

I’m a mess.  And I don’t know how to not be a mess.  

I’m lucky.  I know that.  This is exactly what I’ve been wishing for, and I know so many are wishing for it too.  But the fear is there.  The mistrust that I could really have another living baby.  I want to be one of those PgAL moms that focuses on the positive.  That bonds during the time they have, however long or short that is. But I don’t know how.  

Ultrasounds below




9 thoughts on “Little flicker

  1. First off. I love your little U/S pic!

    Also definitely make sure to let the school know. I made sure my kid’s teachers in particular knew about our loss so they weren’t surprised when my kids talked about it. And they did, even in Pre-K

  2. I totally understand where you’re coming from. For I don’t know how long with our current pregnancy, I was just pretending I wasn’t pregnant, because that’s what I needed to do for my emotional well-being. I think the biggest thing is finding ways to deal with the fear; it will never go away. Also, when you’re ready, try to find small bits of joy in this pregnancy. Eventually you will bond, because no matter how much you try to distance yourself emotionally, you’re already attached…whether you admit it or not.

  3. Thinking of you and sending hopes that this pregnancy will continue to progress and grow well. It is so hard to live within those uncertainties with all the hopes and worries.

  4. I don’t know how any PgAL moms focus on the positive, but I admire that they are able to do so. I have to admit that I have moments where I feel incredible joy… but they are always preceded or followed by intense fear. Congratulations on a heartbeat and hang in there! Sending you a big hug.

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