Well, we have a heartbeat.
I really wish the offices were better at reviewing my chart before I came in. The nurse at my RE’s asked me if this was my first pregnancy, despite me having a miscarriage after an IUI with them less than 3 months ago. I did think it was interesting that unlike at the OB’s or the MFM, after I told them how many pregnancies, they did ask IF there were any births, rather than how many. I thought it was interesting that they didn’t assume. Of course, I still needed to go into more detail because saying 2 births is not the full story. I’m so tired of having to go into detail on all of our losses for every doctor’s appointment.
I still feel like I’m waiting for the shoe to drop. When they started the ultrasound, I clearly saw the sac, but didn’t think I saw anything in it. I thought that was it right then. But the doctor pointed out a tiny flicker right at the edge of the sac and said it was the heartbeat. I started crying. I’ll put a picture after the bottom, feel free to skip it.
I think I just don’t want to get my hopes up. I’m not sure how to change it. It feels like if I think this baby may really live, I’ll jinx it, and everything will fall apart. I just don’t know how to handle it again.
I think that’s why I’ve been so quiet here. I don’t know how to be optimistic. I don’t know how to just be grateful for the fact that things are looking good for now without following it up with that “for now.” With the addendum that I don’t think it will last.
That and I’m exhausted all the time. The nausea is definitely hitting. We are starting O in preschool next week to give him something to do if I end up on bedrest soon again. By this point (6w4d) with Noah I already had the pump, and would be in the hospital for the first time in less than a week. I’m not there yet, be we know I may get there.
The preschool app asks if there is anything going on at home that could effect his behavior such as “death, divorce, new baby, or illness.” I have been avoiding filling out that part. How do I distill the trauma of the last year down into 3 lines? I know Owen is aware of it. I mentioned the baby to him once, and he got scared and upset, and has been clingy ever since. And I can’t reassure him that this baby won’t die too. One, I can’t promise that. And two, I still think it will.
I’m a mess. And I don’t know how to not be a mess.
I’m lucky. I know that. This is exactly what I’ve been wishing for, and I know so many are wishing for it too. But the fear is there. The mistrust that I could really have another living baby. I want to be one of those PgAL moms that focuses on the positive. That bonds during the time they have, however long or short that is. But I don’t know how.