My three boys

Dear Noah,
You have a little brother. He’s little, with a lot of fight ahead. Be for now, he is growing in the space that a year ago you occupied. Our hope for him are everything we hoped for you, but didn’t get. Mainly, a long, happy life.

I wonder what he looks like. So tiny, but we met you tiny too. You had 2 months of growing on him, but you were still so small. So much smaller than we ever wanted to see you. I wonder if he looks like you.

I see kids your age. The ones due within days of you. They are so big now. It seems impossible that they are so big. That they grow while you do not, It breaks my heart that you never got to grow any bigger than your 10.3oz. Never got to look around this big world and take part in it. That all you ever knew was your little space inside me. The space where Owen was before you, and your little brother is now. The space where we lost you. And lost the tiniest babies after you.

I miss you. More than you could ever know. You have been gone for so long. More than twice the time you were here. It will be your birthday soon. Just over 2 short months away. I think of you always.

Everything is so tangled. If we make it there this baby will be 21w that day. Barely older than you were. We will have just found out if you share the same brain defect. Whether or not we will ever be able to bring him home. If things go badly, your birthdays will be at most a few weeks apart. Possibly days. I love you, and I feel guilty that the time leading up to your birthday will be consumed with this baby. I worry that he will get all the attention.

Though I suppose maybe that’s normal. Aren’t parents supposed to worry about new babies taking attention away from their older siblings? Please watch out for him if you can. Be with him those weeks, whatever comes. O too. I worry about what will happen if he loses another little brother. Take care of each other. My three boys.

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3 thoughts on “My three boys

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