I am trying

My bi-weekly ultrasounds to check the brain and see if this baby will live start a week from today. I am terrified. I am grieving. I am still paralyzed anytime anyone asks me to hold a baby. Anytime I look at a baby. But I am trying. I am trying to not be the paralyzed, broken person I have been for the last 11 months.

I am trying. Trying looks like ….

  • Actually looking at a March 14 mom when she talks (some of the time)
  • Actually conversing with her (some of the time)
  • Going to a blessing ceremony for a newborn (even though I may ignore the baby.)
  • Making hats for friends’ newborns
  • Allowing myself to sometimes imagine that this baby will live.

 

I still can’t…

  • Hold a baby
  • Take more than a fleeting glance at a newborn
  • Not prepare for the worst
  • Plan birthday party for my almost 3 year old in the midst of these ultrasounds
  • Not remember that 3 days after his last birthday we had the ultrasound that changed everything.
  • Not feel like this is déjà vu all over again.

But I’m trying.

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6 thoughts on “I am trying

  1. I never stop praying for you. Remember how much you love Noah, and whatever happens with this next little one, you’ll love them just as much. If it wasn’t worth it, we wouldn’t do it, right?

  2. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping the ultrasounds go well and that this baby’s brain looks perfect. It is so stressful, pregnancy after a loss… I feel similar feelings to you and all we can do is do our best. Hang in there.

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