My bi-weekly ultrasounds to check the brain and see if this baby will live start a week from today. I am terrified. I am grieving. I am still paralyzed anytime anyone asks me to hold a baby. Anytime I look at a baby. But I am trying. I am trying to not be the paralyzed, broken person I have been for the last 11 months.
I am trying. Trying looks like ….
- Actually looking at a March 14 mom when she talks (some of the time)
- Actually conversing with her (some of the time)
- Going to a blessing ceremony for a newborn (even though I may ignore the baby.)
- Making hats for friends’ newborns
- Allowing myself to sometimes imagine that this baby will live.
I still can’t…
- Hold a baby
- Take more than a fleeting glance at a newborn
- Not prepare for the worst
- Plan birthday party for my almost 3 year old in the midst of these ultrasounds
- Not remember that 3 days after his last birthday we had the ultrasound that changed everything.
- Not feel like this is déjà vu all over again.
But I’m trying.