Holidays. Even when you don’t think they will, they get you.
I expected to be nervous about Sam today. After all, with previous due dates of mid November and mid March and never having made it to Halloween still pregnant, who wouldn’t be a little superstitious?
And yes, I had nightmares all last night about being at he hospital, trying to keep him in, just days before the point at which they would try to save him.
But that wasn’t what got me today. It was the realization that this would have been Noah’s first “outside” Halloween. His first costume. And he’ll never get that. He never got Halloween. He was stillborn a week and a half before.
He never got most holidays. He was here from 4th of July to just before Halloween. No “big” cultural holidays. (Though he was here for High Holidays, I was just still on bed rest.)
We’ve been through all the first holidays without him. I thought I was done having loss hit me like a ton of bricks every holiday. But now, we still have 6m of the holidays that should have been his first. The first thanksgiving we should have had two to feed. The first Chanukah and Christmas of presents for two. The first valentines day with matching outfits.
I’m realizing today there will always be more firsts that we don’t get to have. Knowing so many babies born within a month of his due date I’ll see them all clearly. The first steps he’ll never take. First words. First scraped knee. First day of preschool, kindergarten, middle school, high school, first date, graduation. The first of those peers to get married and have babies of their own. Because that’s the thing. We didn’t just lose a baby, we lost everything. We lost seeing him stand up in his brothers’ weddings. Bringing a partner home for the holidays for the first time.
I know I need to take it one day at a time, but it seems insurmountable right now. Looking forward and wondering if there will ever be a holiday where I don’t cry because Noah isn’t here. If each first won’t take my breath away as much as this one.
We will alway wonder who you would have been.