I know things have been really quiet here. There has been a lot going on for me locally. Lots of loss in my local community and I have been trying to help out how I can here, and trying to get ready for the holidays and for Sam.
I’ve stepped back a lot online right now, not just here, but my online presence in general, where I was very, very active just a few months ago.
Part of it may be that I’m holding my breath – waiting for the shoe to drop. I now know all the ways thing can go wrong. And I go back and forth between the occasional excitement and belief that Sam could arrive safely, and sure that disaster will strike at any moment.
I’m ostrich-ing myself a little. I remember how raw everything was at the holidays last year. I try not to let myself go to that dark place. And not being as involved online is part of that right now. My emotional energy is low, and it is tied up a lot locally. I’m involved in a local support group, and there have been two late term losses in the last few months. I also have some very close friends dealing with repeat loss and infertility. I do think of many of you, and appreciate those who check in. I’m sorry I don’t post/comment more. I also worry about being a negative to those struggling right now, while things with Sam are going so well at the moment.
I will say that trying not to go to the dark place doesn’t mean forgetting our road. I still think of Noah all the time and am working to include him in our holidays. It’s so hard to do anything that feels like enough. One small way was this ornament I bought on etsy. My whole family. ❤