Rambling: a lot of stuff is coming up right now.
I saw a whole bunch of tandem nursing pictures in a breast feeding group and it makes me sad. We would almost certainly have tandem nursed had Noah lived. He and Owen would have been only 2.5 years apart. Owen mostly self weaned this fall. He asks occasionally, but I have to say no because it sets off contractions too much the few times I have let him. And that was before everything got so much worse (contraction wise) in the last month. So I guess who knows if we would have, because handed are that would have happened at the end with any pregnancy. It just makes me sad to think that I can’t do something that I always wanted/planned on. Because my body has failed me so often.
Also Spiritbaby Come Home just had a test come back high risk for spina bifida. Thankfully everything looks good for them so far. But it got me thinking about Noah more. If his condition hadn’t been fatal. Imagining what it would have been like for the last year to have a child with high medical needs. He would be almost one now if he had stayed in close to term. We are moving into the territory where he wouldn’t be a baby anymore.
Bethany at Losing Lucy and Finding Hope told me recently that the second due date was harder than she expected. It hit me that I hadn’t thought about it too much yet. It is coming up fast. Just 10 days after Sam’s due date. I don’t know what we will do. Dan won’t have time off to take, and Sam will be (hopefully) somewhere around a month old or less. It all just hurts.
Things are going well with Sam, though I am on modified bed rest for at least 2 more weeks. Crazy to think that at that point he could come out. Owen has been having tantrums but also doing a lot of processing. He pretend played that he was pregnant and having babies today for a long time. And some of them he said died. Because that’s what he knows. It’s so hard to know what to say when he does that. He was in near tears the first time telling me that his baby died. And I don’t know how to help him. We are just trying to take things one day at a time. Tomorrow I will be 35 weeks. A milestone I never thought I would reach. I feel so unprepared. But on the other hand, oh how I want him out, and here, and breathing.
I’m almost done with the blanket I’ve been working on. A rainbow for our rainbow baby.