Rambling : almost 35 weeks

Rambling: a lot of stuff is coming up right now.

I saw a whole bunch of tandem nursing pictures in a breast feeding group and it makes me sad. We would almost certainly have tandem nursed had Noah lived. He and Owen would have been only 2.5 years apart. Owen mostly self weaned this fall. He asks occasionally, but I have to say no because it sets off contractions too much the few times I have let him. And that was before everything got so much worse (contraction wise) in the last month. So I guess who knows if we would have, because handed are that would have happened at the end with any pregnancy. It just makes me sad to think that I can’t do something that I always wanted/planned on. Because my body has failed me so often.

Also Spiritbaby Come Home just had a test come back high risk for spina bifida. Thankfully everything looks good for them so far. But it got me thinking about Noah more. If his condition hadn’t been fatal. Imagining what it would have been like for the last year to have a child with high medical needs. He would be almost one now if he had stayed in close to term. We are moving into the territory where he wouldn’t be a baby anymore.

Bethany at Losing Lucy and Finding Hope told me recently that the second due date was harder than she expected. It hit me that I hadn’t thought about it too much yet. It is coming up fast. Just 10 days after Sam’s due date. I don’t know what we will do. Dan won’t have time off to take, and Sam will be (hopefully) somewhere around a month old or less. It all just hurts.

Things are going well with Sam, though I am on modified bed rest for at least 2 more weeks. Crazy to think that at that point he could come out. Owen has been having tantrums but also doing a lot of processing. He pretend played that he was pregnant and having babies today for a long time. And some of them he said died. Because that’s what he knows. It’s so hard to know what to say when he does that. He was in near tears the first time telling me that his baby died. And I don’t know how to help him. We are just trying to take things one day at a time. Tomorrow I will be 35 weeks. A milestone I never thought I would reach. I feel so unprepared. But on the other hand, oh how I want him out, and here, and breathing.

I’m almost done with the blanket I’ve been working on. A rainbow for our rainbow baby.

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8 thoughts on “Rambling : almost 35 weeks

    • You are so talented! I love the boots. I’ve been looking at getting something like that but have been holding off. We bought booties on etsy for Noah, and obviously he never wore them. They are stillbin his memory box.

  1. I broke down crying reading that Owen talked about and grieved his baby dying. Our son has said that recently too and it breaks my heart. I don’t know how to respond either.

    I really hear you when you write that it all just hurts. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    The blanket is gorgeous. And perfect for an unspeakably imperfect situation. It feels so healing and filled with love and hope. I hope it holds those feelings for you too.

    Thank you for your kindness and support. We got notice of our perinatologist appointment today – Feb. 4th. That feels so far away but really isn’t. Perspective and our sense of time is so strange in pregnancy after loss.

    You are so close. I am so relieved you have made it this far.

  2. My kids talk alot about thier baby brother who died in my tummy. Always saying they wish the could hold him and hug him and play with him. I just tell them that I wish for that too, but that he is in heaven now, and when we get to heaven we will see him then. There is not much else you can say.
    I love the blanket too! What a great idea! I am hopeful to have a rainbow baby, we are currently ttc.

  3. I’m so sorry you missed out on the tandem nursing and all the many other things that we miss out on when we lose a baby. I think people often forget that a new, living baby does not erase all the loss of the baby that isn’t with us. I am so thankful you are all the way to 35 weeks though! I can’t wait to see Owen finally fill out his role as big brother (even though I know he’s a big brother already.) I hope this baby brings so much healing and joy to your family even amongst all the loss. I LOVE the blanket too!

    • Thank you. It definitely doesn’t erase anything. There are so many little losses along with the big ones. Thinking of you and your sweet baby. Praying that baby can stay healthy.

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