Those that mind don’t matter?

It’s been a rough few days.  Yesterday was a year and a half since Noah was stillborn.  And I ran into hurt and judgment in an unexpected place.   

I have walked a fine line of being open about what exactly happened, but I have been afraid to be too open.  Yesterday underlined why.  You never know who will share your story.  And who will twist it to fit their own world view.  

I was blindsided yesterday at a birthday party.  A friend of the mom’s and I started chatting.  As soon as she heard my name she told me that while we’ve never met, she has prayed for me.  I was immediately wary.  What had she heard?  Who had told her, and why?  It turned out I was wary for good reason.  She works for the local crisis pregnancy center.  Aka anti-choice organization.  She invited me to their “post-abortion support group.”  She told me that while the situation was different, lots of people come who regret heir choice.  

I don’t.  We made a decision.  Noah was loved, wanted, and dying.  More brain damage was occurring all the time.  He could not ever breathe on his own, and his condition was getting worse, and their was no treatment available.  So we induced labor.  Removed him from the life support of my body. 

And yet this woman, whose name I don’t even remember, has sent me into a tailspin.  My nerves are frayed.  Why do I care about this random woman?  

I think it’s that she represents so many.  I know that.  I have friends who have been so supportive that I have never shared with.  Because I imagine a reaction like this.  

I fought to stay pregnant for months.  I fought to give birth to him in the way that felt right.  I fight every day for his memory.  For recognition from friends and family that I have three sons, not two.  I am tired of fighting.  This is not a fight I am up for.  This is not a fight that I feel I can win.  It is too entrenched.  


I wish Dr Seuss was right.  But in this, there are people who mind, and they do matter.  Friends, potential hiring committees, parents of future students, this is something that matters to many.  It feels like a hopeless uphill battle.  And I don’t have the strength for it.  


15 thoughts on “Those that mind don’t matter?

  1. We chose to terminate one of our babies at about 14 weeks as our baby would not survive and it became a medical necessity to potentially save my life. I am in shock that someone would say that to you. Like you, we have been very, very selective on who we’ve told about the way we lost this baby, we don’t have the energy to open ourselves up to unnecessary judgement. But, while I’ve asked people not to tell, I have no idea if they kept my trust, and I always sort of expect to hear something unexpected at a family gathering. Thankfully, so far we have not been blindsided in quite the same way you have.
    And like you, I have absolutely no regrets, we made the best decision for our child and for ourselves. While it was unbelievably hard, I would make the same decision again if I were in the same circumstance, and no-one has the right to pass judgement when they have not walked the same path.
    I’m sorry you were faced with such a heartless interaction. I am sorry that their heartless need to pass judgement brought up so many emotions. Wishing you love and wishing people more compassion.

  2. Ugh, I’m so sorry she said that to you. How abhorrent. If it makes you feel any better, there are plenty of us out here who understand why you made the decision you made and believe that it was the most compassionate choice for both Noah and you. Being left in the womb with no real chance of survival is like being left on life support in a vegetative state — it’s not something I would want for myself, and certainly not for my unborn child. But I know how those judgmental words can fester in your mind — please try not to let them. That woman is misguided and doesn’t speak for all of humanity.

  3. I cannot believe the nerve of that woman. CANNOT believe it. I am so sorry that her words impacted you so much. The expression “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words can never hurt me” could not be farther from the truth. They do hurt. SO sorry.

  4. So…I’m going to need you to remember this woman’s name so that I can go hunt her down and kick her ass. Pardon my language. Eff her. Eff the people that judge.

    You made the absolute right choice. Don’t ever doubt yourself, and don’t let the clueless opinion of some jerk make you feel bad.

    Love you

  5. Your experience with this terrible woman angers me. It is so obvious that you made the decision out of love for your son and for no other reason. I’m so sorry you had to have such an awful encounter. You’ve been through enough and the judgment of others is unwarranted.

  6. I am so sorry this happened and brought to the forefront all of the judgment you know exists even when it is rammed down your throat as it was in this case. I totally support and get what you did and why even if you don’t share fully here (for good reason). It was a compassionate act of love to do what you did.

  7. I’m sorry you had to go through that. It makes me so angry to read what this woman said to you – you are a warrior for your son and the incredible love you have for him shines so beautifully in your writings. She is horrible and wrong and had no right.

  8. Yuck. I’m sorry and I understand your choice to limit who you tell the whole story to. Some people just cannot understand our choices. THEY have never been in your shoes and can’t begin to get why someone would choose to terminate a pregnancy. You were saving your baby and yourself any further pain. You did what was right for you both. people like her need to keep their mouth shut, but unfortunately they don’t know how.

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