My biggest regret is that we didn’t have a memorial service for Noah. I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know where to begin. And, I didn’t think anyone would come. I was still worried that people would be “uncomfortable.” Because what death isn’t uncomfortable? And no one knew him like we did. What could people say? There were no memories to share.
We had just moved here. I had been on bedrest as much as not since we got here. And all our family was far away. I still wonder who if anyone would have come. It was so hard to have the world keep turning for everyone else while I was stuck. It would have been nice to have people take the time to just sit with us. To acknowledge that he was here, and than gone, and that he was worth grieving. I think part of me was afraid that I would be more hurt by people not coming, so it was easier to just not.
On his first birthday I was feeling this regret acutely. I considered having one then, but the timing just didn’t seem right. We did get a stone for our garden for him, and we had a balloon release with friends. This year, we are doing something more private, but we are also doing a random acts of kindness drive. I would love if on his birthday, in addition to people sharing what they are doing in his memory, people would share how he has effected them. How they reacted when they heard the news. What thoughts and feelings they’ve had then or since.