Capture Your Grief Day 14: Express Your Heart

If you see me in October I am near frantic. My todo list is spilling out the door, and I over commit to everything.  
I’ll tell you it’s all necessary. It’s the way the calendar is. But the truth is I create the busy. I won’t let you take something off my plate, because then I might have to stop. Have to think. Have to feel.  
I fill my days with commitments to organizations, to my kids, to elaborate meal plans, to crochet and memorial projects. Because I can’t stop. October hurts to much to look at.  
Elizabeth Stone said “Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Part of my heart is gone.  
October is a month of triggers. Reliving every day. From the 1st with what we thought was a “good” ultrasound to the 2nd where we got the call. The crashing bad news of the 8th and 9th. The last moments of the 16th, 17th, 18th. The final goodbye on the 19th. Picking up his ashes on the 23rd. All month I know where I was when.  
So I keep busy. Go through with the trappings. Try not to think to much. Because sitting in that space again is scary. It’s overwhelming.  
Someday I may be able to slow down. To sit with this month. But for now I keep busy. Because it’s too much.  


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