Control is not something I give up easily. To completely surrender to grief involves a lack of control. Usually when I completely surrender to it it is because I have become so overwhelmed by the loss that there is nothing else. Control is gone.
I can think of a few times where I clearly surrendered to the feelings of grief. Some long ago, and surprisingly one quite recent.The one I’m going to share was three years ago today.
I have already talked about the disbelief of that moment on day 3. We got through that moment. The ultrasound. The amniocentesis. And then they said they would give us a few minutes before we talked more. They let us use the geneticist’s office. And we just collapsed.
There had been tears before, but we had held it together. But once we were alone we just collapsed on the couch and fell apart. How else do you deal with the news that the baby you are carrying is going to die and there is nothing that can be done?