Double Rainbow

There was a sudden downpour yesterday that led to this beautiful sight out our back window. 

A double rainbow.  One strong, one hazy.  It felt like a metaphor.  We have our rainbow.  Sam is here, strong and vibrant.  He can light up a room with his laugh and wants so much to do it all.  

But I have a wish.  Another. It’s hazy.  Now is not the time, we have too much going on with all of Sam’s medical issues and delays.  We need a rest.  And Owen is going off to kindergarten in the fall.  There is no good time to be on months of bedrest. To have a newborn and the sleep deprivation and whirlwind that comes with a tiny person’s needs.  

I have said we are done.  I think it’s true.  Dan is done. But I see this and I can’t help but think about how much I’ve never stopped wishing that it was different.  

When I was pregnant with Sam I couldn’t look beyond the next day or week.  Imagining him out and alive seemed like such a huge assumption.  Tempting fate.  I couldn’t let my self think of a future.  The hope was too scary and the alternative too crushing.  So I never saw him as “the last.” The last pregnancy, last newborn, last baby.  So I struggle to retroactively apply that.  He is the bright and vibrant rainbow. I just didn’t know there wouldn’t be a pot of gold at the end.  

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