When people say you murdered your baby

I know I’ve been absent. But I need to get this out. If anyone is still here, forgive me for only coming here in pain.

I’m struggling. With everything in the news, with everything being posted. I have been unfriended by family. I have had people I considered friends tell me (unknowing that it applies to me) that people who terminate for medical reasons “torture and murder innocent babies.” That doctors are often wrong, and if we didn’t there might be a miracle performed and they would live.

Another loss mom has moved to our town. She had a medically fragile child die. I think she sees a lot of her child in the diagnoses, prognoses and stories of those of us who chose to TFMR. Right or not, she can’t imagine making a different choice, and so views our choice as a threat to her world. It seems black and white for so many. If you CTT, those who TFMR must be wrong, they must want to force their choice on you, they must be judging you for allowing any pain that occurred for your child. And if you TFMR, it’s the opposite – those who CTT must be judging. And, we often are being judged.

I am a facilitator for the local loss grief support group. I know this know this new mom to town knows about it. I don’t think she knows my story. I am unsure if we can coexist together. I’m doubtful. So I’m left with choices – discourage her from coming, deal with her coming either by hiding my story – or sharing knowing that she will probably hate me and never come back, or step back – leave the support circle so that she can have that space. Because it seems like it is likely a safe space for her or me, but not both. So who is more worthy?

And that is when the guilt and the shame comes in. I wish I didn’t have it. I am secure in our choice. It was the right one for us. But then times like these come and I feel battered down. I know how some would look at me differently. I know that telling my truth could effect future jobs, make trouble for any school I taught at. And it can effect my living kids.

The mom that says people like me are murderers? Our kids are the same age. We live in the same neighborhood, belong to the same pool, and have our kids in the same scout troop. I will see her multiple times a week for years to come. If she knew, would she still let her kid play with mine? Let my husband be his den leader? Will her kid call my family murderers on the playground?

And that breaks me. The fear for my living boys. The thought of ostracism in this town we love.

And I know there are those who would have our backs. But right now the world seems cold, and cruel, and unsafe.


2 thoughts on “When people say you murdered your baby

  1. I am so so sorry you’re struggling with this. I TFMR a couple years ago and it’s a devastating choice to make. I view it as the first, most hardest parenting decision I ever made. I made it out of love as I am sure you did as well. Everyone chooses differently and any choice is the right choice. You clearly have so much compassion and empathy; allowing this person the safe place and sacrificing your sanctuary. If she were privy to that I am sure her judgments would alter. However, since she’ll likely never know- know in your heart that you made the best choice for you, your family, and your baby. You acted out of love and compassion. I hope you find some peace. ❤️

  2. I really feel and hear your inner turmoil and anguish. And hers. I don’t have answers or solutions but I stand with you in your grief and acknowledgment of hers. I wish these things were not taboo, divisive, binary. Whatever you do, that will be the right thing for your family in this moment and made with love. I believe in your wisdom and I grieve your loss. ♥️

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