I don’t want to be in this world where babies die. But I can’t go back.

There are times it just seems completely unreal. I was pregnant. My body grew a person, and then he died. I was in labor, and gave birth to him as he died. 20140210-231634.jpg

How is this not a nightmare? A terrible bad dream? I see all these other people getting ready to give birth to their living babies, and it just doesn’t make sense. I shouldn’t be here, on this trip. I should be 36w pregnant tomorrow. My inlaws shouldn’t be coming next week to visit, they should be waiting until April, after my due date. I see these other women. Their are 4 of them due within 2 weeks of me. They are all still pregnant. Their babies are all alive. I don’t understand why their babies are alive and mine are not. I don’t understand how this has happened. How has it been 4 months since our diagnosis? I want that other world, the one where babies don’t die. It’s like this alternate reality is just out of reach, and I don’t understand why I am here and not there.

I feel like I see death around every corner now. I hear that someone is pregnant and I hope that they don’t have a miscarriage. Or that their anatomy scan is ok, or that they are born alive and safe, that they survive the first year and don’t die of SIDS. I now live I this world where babies die. And I know they don’t live in this world. I don’t want to sound crazy, but I am scared for everybody. He friend I posted about a few weeks ago is having her triplets in the morning at 28w2d. I know that at that gestation the rate of survival is 90-95%. So why am I still so scared?

If everyone can pray for them I’d appreciate it. I don’t want anyone else to join us here.

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