It should be my little boy

September 2, 2016 by Missing Noah

I don’t do well with kids that are the age Noah should be. I feel like people think I should be over that by now. I’m not. Hearing a kid is two and a half is like a knife in the heart. And the kids I know we’re born/due the same week or month Noah […]

the world keeps turning

March 1, 2015 by Missing Noah

Today, the first of the babies due the same week as Noah turned one. She’s the daughter of a dear friend. They call her their sunshine baby, and it makes me nervous, as if they are tempting fate. I’m sure they are just unaware of the meaning of sunshine baby in the loss community, but […]

Public grief

June 6, 2014 by Missing Noah

I just read this post from the round up. And this quote stuck with me. “She said something that stuck with me, “Clare, a friend just told me that I am grieving publicly and that doing so, in the current world, is a rare rare thing.”” I think public grieving is becoming more common, at […]

So tired

April 13, 2014 by Missing Noah

Today was an incredibly hard day. We went to a birthday party and a housewarming party and they both had triggers everywhere. Other March babies. Newly announced pregnancies. A “save the date” on the fridge for a wedding on Noah’s 1 year still birthday. And a family with a son O’s age, and a six […]

Due date

March 12, 2014 by Missing Noah

Dear Noah, This is it. Your due date. I know they are just estimates, and even healthy, you could have been here months ago, or not yet. But his was supposed to be our time. O has been asking about you today. We put up pictures from your birth day,and after naming everyone he asked […]

And so it begins

March 1, 2014 by Missing Noah

I think I’ve mentioned here that March will be hard for me. Not just because Noah’s due date is March 11th, but also because there were 5 of us due in 12 days. I was due the 11th C was due the 9th J was due the 13th T was due the 14th M was […]

I don’t want to be in this world where babies die. But I can’t go back.

February 10, 2014 by Missing Noah

There are times it just seems completely unreal. I was pregnant. My body grew a person, and then he died. I was in labor, and gave birth to him as he died. How is this not a nightmare? A terrible bad dream? I see all these other people getting ready to give birth to their […]

Please Pray

January 18, 2014 by Missing Noah

I was going to post tonight about my terrible week. How it was filled with reminders of Noah’s death. Of inconveniences. Of the calls from cord blood banking, and bills from my pregnancy and Noah’s birth. About how today, 3 months after my induction began, a nosy tech from my optometrist told me that Owen […]

10DPO and crying to random lab techs

January 9, 2014 by Missing Noah

So I didn’t see a line when I tested again this morning. So crazy person I am, I put a lid on my pee cup, drove to the store, bought a more sensitive test and then tested in the parking lot. And if that isn’t crazy enough for you, I couldn’t decide if I saw […]

Surviving Christmas

December 26, 2013 by Missing Noah

Well, we did it. We survived Christmas. For me the build-up was worse than the day itself. I think it helped that it was just the 3 of us. No forced cheer, just very laid back and honest. I could be present in the moment with my family and enjoy Owen opening his presents, […]